By Michal Cohen, LCSW — licensed clinical social worker specializing in ADHD, anxiety, trauma, and grief for over 20 years.
A reflection on anticipatory grief, inner child healing, and conscious goodbyes
There is a particular kind of ache that arrives when a parent is nearing the end of their life. It is quiet and relentless. Love is still here. Time is still here. And yet something inside already knows that goodbye is coming.
Recently, I have been walking alongside people whose parents are close to dying. What has stood out is not panic or denial, but intention. A deep desire to be present. A wish to leave nothing essential unsaid. A longing to arrive at the end without regret.
Many people carry a quiet fear beneath this moment: What if I miss my chance?
This kind of preparation is not about doing more. It is about turning toward the feelings that arise.
For many adult children, this moment awakens layers far older than the present day. When a parent becomes vulnerable, sick, or dependent, the inner child often rises quietly to the surface. Old wounds stir. Longing appears. So does grief for what never was.
This is where the work deepens.
As adults, we may believe we have made peace with our parents. Yet when death approaches, unfinished emotional business can suddenly feel urgent. The nervous system remembers. The heart remembers. A part of us still wants to be seen, protected, chosen, or understood.
One of the most healing shifts I witness is when people begin to learn their parents’ stories with new eyes. Not to excuse harm. Not to bypass pain. But to understand context. To see their parent not only as a mother or father, but as a once young person shaped by their own losses, limitations, and unmet needs.
When we understand a parent’s childhood, something often softens inside. Rigid narratives loosen. Anger may still exist, but it becomes less consuming. Compassion grows, not as an obligation, but as a natural response to truth.
This understanding can be profoundly freeing. It allows adult children to show up from a place of choice rather than obligation. From clarity rather than resentment.
Alongside this emotional reckoning lives anticipatory grief. This grief is real, even though death has not yet occurred. It shows up as waves of sadness, irritability, exhaustion, or moments of disconnection. Many people feel confused or ashamed by it. They tell themselves they should be grateful their parent is still alive.
But anticipatory grief is a form of love preparing itself for loss.
When we allow it, rather than suppress it, something important happens. We become more present. We listen more carefully. We touch more gently. We stop waiting for the perfect moment and begin meeting what is actually here.
How Therapy Can Support Adult Children When a Parent Is Dying
When a parent is nearing the end of life, many adult children feel they should be able to handle it on their own. They minimize their needs. They focus on logistics. They stay strong for everyone else.
Therapy during this stage is not about fixing grief. It is about creating space for everything that is arising. The sadness. The anger. The love. The confusion. The inner child who still aches.
Working with a therapist can help you untangle what belongs to the present moment and what belongs to the past. It offers a place to process anticipatory grief without guilt. It supports you in showing up with clarity rather than emotional overwhelm. It also helps you set boundaries so caregiving does not come at the cost of your own well-being.
For many people, this work becomes a quiet turning point. Not because the loss is avoided, but because it is met with intention. With support. With compassion.
Consciously preparing for a parent’s death does not mean doing everything right. There is no checklist for a good goodbye. What matters is presence.
It might mean asking questions you have never asked before. What was your childhood like? What do you wish you had known earlier? What brought you joy? What was hard for you?
It might mean saying words that feel simple yet profound. I love you. I forgive you. Thank you. I am here.
By Michal Cohen, LCSW
Michal is a licensed clinical social worker with a Master of Social Work from Columbia University and a BA from the University of San Diego. She has been in practice for more than 20 years and provides psychotherapy for adults.
She is licensed in Hawaii, California, Florida, Pennsylvania, Utah, and Nevada. Her training includes ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, Compassionate Inquiry, and psychedelic sitter training, with clinical focus on ADHD, anxiety, trauma, grief, burnout, and nervous system regulation.
Read Michal’s full bio here